Perfect Little Lies (wewereinfinite6) wrote,
Perfect Little Lies

Caught in the rush of the crowd...

Lost in a world of sound...
I guess it's safer to sit back and take it all. It's scary to think that I'm so wrapped up in this. And I'm sorry for being such a bitch if thats what you want to call me. I didn't mean for it to be like this. I just want you to be alright. But me wanting something doesnt matter if you dont want it too.
It's an understatement to say I miss you when you're gone but these days I never have the chance to miss you. You're always right where I can find you, in that stupid desk chair propped in front of the glowing screen, wishing for another life. In the occasion I see your face, you're spewing those words I just wish I couldn't hear. I hope to go deaf for those few moments that make me want to scream. I watch you when you sleep and wonder why I'm just not good enough. Why you dream of leaving me in your dust. Why you tell me that. It breaks my heart and makes me think about why I sacrificed it all for you. For these silly little double standards that make me feel as small as a grain of sand under your feet. But it's not all for you. It's for me too. My peace of mind.
And I wonder where I was before you. It's sad I cannot remember since it was less than one year ago when we finally became friends. And since then I've heard of every pain that plucked away at your heartstrings. Every little thing that sent you off. And I've been there to hold you while you cry. And I wanted to cry. Because little did you know, I took those pills again. Not because of you. For me. Little did you know, Sharpie markers once again came to my rescue. And did you know I cried the other night after you left because you made me feel like trash. Like me being alright is so much less important than you. Like my relationship is something on playground level compared to your twenty-something commitment. That much is constant. No matter how much I love the way you don't care what anyone else thinks, it's turned into disregarding the feelings of others. Like no one else matters as long as you're happy in that moment. And everytime that you laugh, it makes me so happy...but it also makes me want to cry. Just because I feel like I can't laugh without your approval. That would be unreasonable.
This isn't something meant to break you, just more to break it to you in the nicest way I could find. And I know that after reading this, you'll put on an act like you're bouncy and fine. Oh I know better. But you're awake now. Wide awake and hearing these keystrokes. I feel like I'm sneaking around behind your back with this. Just as you said I did. As you accused me of in that entry of yours. This isn't to get back at you...I'm better than that. This is to tell the truth. This is how I feel. I also feel that I love you and although I doubt the feeling is mutual, this will always be your home. I won't turn my back on you, not ever. I just don't want to cry again...
...You were ringing in my ears...

EDIT: Crying again. So what did this get me? Oh god, how stupid am I? "Just stay quiet Laura. Don't make a move or you'll lose her again" Always losing what I love. What's best for me. How selfish am I? I fucking hurt her, and I know it. "Don't do it Laura, stay calm" Is she calm, or am I just making a mess of things again? Who the hell am I to say that someone else is making me hurt? Who the hell am I? And what's my plan from here? Fuck it. This was what I expected but does it have to hurt this much? I just hope she doesnt hurt too much. Not so much. "You did what was in your heart Laura" My heart is out to get me, and I know it. And where is everyone while I'm breaking down? I guess I forgot. I lost them a while ago...but where are you?
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