Suddenly I can't tell if this is optimism or apathy. The people that have been there for years are gone and I just brush it off as if this is normal. Because it is normal.
"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."
And I'm living. I swear I'm living but it all feels like some sort of virtual reality. I'm not really happy because I can't fully convince myself that this is true, but I'm so excited to move on to the next level to see what experiences may come. But excitement is just an illusion.
I had picked out so many things I wanted to do with him. They ranged from tomorrow to New Years and I never really guessed that he wouldn't be here to share in all of these memories. But after almost 14 months, he's gone. And I'm moving on. I have to move on.
Quickly, right? Because now he's here and I've always been fond of him and I tell him that I love him because I do. But I'm not in love. I tell myself I was never in love. But if the last year wasn't being in love, why haven't I stopped crying at every alone chance I get in the past week and a half?
I've been waiting to let this out. In the last few days I smiled in every moment I was with him so that they thought we were perfect. He thinks we're perfect. I just won't let myself believe that because I am so hard to please. Mainly because I don't know what I want. And I shouldn't. After all, this is only high school.
And that's how this whole thing started. With the idea of high school and crushes and young love and spontaneity. That's how I broke this. And you don't want to fix it.
How is it that one day I'm your world and the next I'm negligible? I don't know if you're in denial or something but it kills to be the one begging. I told myself I'd never beg. But you make me weak.
Still, you claim you're nothing special. But I'm the one who's nothing special. I'm pretty much ordinary with some pretty colors and lines. At least they said I was nothing special. And with everything going on, I couldn't care less about their views. Call it confidence or maybe ego but I know I'm better than that. And they don't know my story.
This is my story. For now. My story is all about confusion. I don't know what I want and I tell myself not to get attached, but I am attached. And I wish they would stop talking but they still talk. She still talks. And I wish I was perfect, but I'm not. You asked me why I loved the name Charlie...well "Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."
I just wish I could pause for one moment...just to