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Perfect Little Lies

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[24 Oct 2006|01:34am]
In a little over 2 hours I'll turn 16.
But I'll just be here sick with a stomach virus as my dad dotes on my mother moaning away in a hospital bed after convincing herself that she's too sick to roam with the rest of us.
And I can't help but hate her for missing another birthday.
I just hope she makes it through again.
Because I don't want my last words to her to be "Just go"

Happy Birthday to me....
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Let's play the secret game [14 Jul 2006|12:25am]
I learned today that everyone has a secret. Everyone has some little thing inside of them that they don't want people to know. So here's my challenge. Speak up. Play the secret game. Leave a comment involving your secret. It can be anonymous, or if you're brave you can reveal your true identity. I'm not logging ip addresses. Just say something. Don't ignore this post. Trust me, you'll feel better for it.
I'll start.
-You all thought I was better, but I'm not. In all reality, I haven't stopped cutting. And I'm not proud of it. And I didn't tell anyone that I had started again because I denied it myself. I'm trying. I really am. But something makes me think that this will always be a part of me. There is no cure to this itch.

So now you post a secret. I dare you. Because you never know what you'll learn in the secret game.

EDIT:Want to post a secret? You now have a journal devoted to it at thesecretgame
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I always could count on futures; that things would look up... [29 May 2006|10:37am]
There's something about nursing homes. Something about the smell and the food trays and stow-away walkers that makes you wish that you never had to go back. And I don't want to go back. But I can't abandon my mother like that. Not like many of the other residents there have been abandoned. It broke my heart to come in contact with an old man desperately seeking Room 205 in his slowly moving wheel chair. His pursuit only ended when a nurse convinced him she would take him there but instead shut him inside of his own room. My mother's only friend there is an elderly amputee just trying to maneuver his prosthetics. Even her roommate can't stay awake for more than 10 minutes and hasn't had a visitor in all the time my mother has been there. My father and I try everything we can to make life normal from my mother. Everything from eating dinner with her in the common room to me modeling new dresses she wasn't well enough to help me buy. My mother has always been there for every school event, right down to the class presentations and kindergarten parties, so it's weird to think that she can't make it to my spring choir concert or my sister's college graduation. As much as I dislike being in my mother's presence sometimes, I still like to see a familiar face in the audience. But my mother isn't in my audience. She isn't home to nag me about cleaning my room or not putting the dishes into the dishwasher. My mother is in a nursing home. They say it is to make her legs stronger. They say she won't be there forever. They say everything will be normal again. I don't know if I should believe them or not.
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So if you want to see some silly stuff... [22 Feb 2006|01:35am]
I know my posts are usually all cryptic and such, but I made a pic lj, so add me kay? teenagememories
And if you need cryptic so badly...
These teenagememories are what keeps my soul from shredding in this social machine of destruction.
Right...just add me
♥ Laura ♥
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Don't take my picture down... [18 Feb 2006|02:28pm]
Don't erase everything that we had...

I have never wanted to kill myself more than I do right now, but she says it will all pass. And I believe her because I love her and I trust her. And I will truly miss her more than I can even conceive right now. I want her to be better, to be happier, but it's hard not to be selfish knowing that things will never be the same again and she will not come back. We won't last. And the fact that I don't want to go to her house is more than just that it will make me sick, it is more so because I don't know if I can deal with being there, knowing it will be the last time things are truly normal. I just feel so bad abandoning her like that. And this week has to be the worst week possible for her to leave. With vacation here, she is leaving at the same time everyone else is. No one has stuck around but me and a few people who are too busy for me anyway. And I wish I could talk to him, because he is the only one who gets me right now, but he is gone and out of reach as well. And my family is downstairs, because with my sister home the three of them make a picture perfect group. I don't want to be here. She hasn't stopped yelling, saying she doesn't know why I am so on edge. You'd think that if she was a real mother she'd consider the fact that it may be hard to lose a best friend. I don't want to be alone like before. I want to be loved, and to be able to call him. To hear his voice. Because no matter how calming her voice is, I can't seem to listen to her without crying. At this point, I'm not sticking around for anyone but them. Because I've come to find this useless, and I don't think it's worth the pain.

Don't you forget about me...
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The world you love forever gone... [18 Jan 2006|07:39pm]

I don't want to be the same person I was before I met her.
I know I won't be the same person I was before I met her.
But just because it hurts to think about life before I met her...


...some evil deep inside of me wishes I had never met her.


I know it's wrong to think about, because she made such a positive impact on my life. She understood my faults. She knew me, and listened. And things weren't always perfect...but oh god...i just wish she wasn't leaving...

I'm just glad I had the last two years...
"and you're too afraid to get attatched because you know they'll soon be gone. too late, they're already a part of you. and it seems like it's not fair. that no one even asks how you feel. there's finally something good in your life, someone that understands you. finally, but constantly you're just being reminded that they won't be there. that they'll leave you behind in their dust. and you hope and pray each night that something equally as good will come into you life. that you'll find someone out there who will complete you. fill that hole. give you that lift you needed so desperately. but it's no use. and you're left at the curb. why can't they just let go now, before too much damage is done... "-June 19, 2004

"i was alone, confused. and then, in march, i met crystal. she was a breath of fresh air for me. we became good friends. best friends."-December 31, 2004

"And I wonder where I was before you. It's sad I cannot remember since it was less than one year ago when we finally became friends. And since then I've heard of every pain that plucked away at your heartstrings. Every little thing that sent you off. And I've been there to hold you while you cry. And I wanted to cry."-April 21, 2005

"I want to be as strong as you. So that I don't depend on you or your nonsense to make me happy. I guess I just don't have that many friends anymore. But one is as good as sixty as long as that one is what your need. And I need you. No matter how much you want me to fall off that cliff."-July 17, 2005

"What do you do when you love someone? One person...
I don't know what's going on...
But lately it just seems like I've been falling for you more and more and I can't help but screw up. Constantly. I'm so sorry for being this, trying to win you over by buying your affection. I'm not this. Dammit, this isn't me. I want you, but I know you hate how I act. Polyamorous and bound to break a heart. I just wish that heart wasn't yours."-September 29, 2005

"I guess we're not so much friends anymore
So I guess we never really were....
and I'm sure as hell not going to say I'm just fine with that.
No one could miss you more than I do.
This was friendship. Nothing less. Nothing more"-October 20, 2005

"I don't know what I want and I tell myself not to get attached, but I am attached. And I wish they would stop talking but they still talk. She still talks. And I wish I was perfect, but I'm not. You asked me why I loved the name Charlie...well 'Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.'"-November 16, 2005

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Baby's black balloon makes her fly... [16 Nov 2005|11:23pm]

Suddenly I can't tell if this is optimism or apathy. The people that have been there for years are gone and I just brush it off as if this is normal. Because it is normal.

"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."

And I'm living. I swear I'm living but it all feels like some sort of virtual reality. I'm not really happy because I can't fully convince myself that this is true, but I'm so excited to move on to the next level to see what experiences may come. But excitement is just an illusion.

I had picked out so many things I wanted to do with him. They ranged from tomorrow to New Years and I never really guessed that he wouldn't be here to share in all of these memories. But after almost 14 months, he's gone. And I'm moving on. I have to move on.

Quickly, right? Because now he's here and I've always been fond of him and I tell him that I love him because I do. But I'm not in love. I tell myself I was never in love. But if the last year wasn't being in love, why haven't I stopped crying at every alone chance I get in the past week and a half?

I've been waiting to let this out. In the last few days I smiled in every moment I was with him so that they thought we were perfect. He thinks we're perfect. I just won't let myself believe that because I am so hard to please. Mainly because I don't know what I want. And I shouldn't. After all, this is only high school.

And that's how this whole thing started. With the idea of high school and crushes and young love and spontaneity. That's how I broke this. And you don't want to fix it.

How is it that one day I'm your world and the next I'm negligible? I don't know if you're in denial or something but it kills to be the one begging. I told myself I'd never beg. But you make me weak.

Still, you claim you're nothing special. But I'm the one who's nothing special. I'm pretty much ordinary with some pretty colors and lines. At least they said I was nothing special. And with everything going on, I couldn't care less about their views. Call it confidence or maybe ego but I know I'm better than that. And they don't know my story.

This is my story. For now. My story is all about confusion. I don't know what I want and I tell myself not to get attached, but I am attached. And I wish they would stop talking but they still talk. She still talks. And I wish I was perfect, but I'm not. You asked me why I loved the name Charlie...well "Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."

I just wish I could pause for one moment...just to
breathe...

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Stop this pain tonight... [20 Oct 2005|06:15pm]
I guess we're not so much friends anymore
So I guess we never really were....




and I'm sure as hell not going to say I'm just fine with that.




No one could miss you more than I do.
This was friendship. Nothing less. Nothing more.
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Soldiers come quickly... [06 Oct 2005|05:26pm]
If you run from all of your problems they'll just hunt you down like an angry mob and drive that final spike through your heart when you're too tired to run anymore....



You can't run forever...
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Don't blink....everyone's watching... [29 Sep 2005|07:47pm]

What do you do when you love someone? One person...
I don't know what's going on...
But lately it just seems like I've been falling for you more and more and I can't help but screw up. Constantly. I'm so sorry for being this, trying to win you over by buying your affection. I'm not this. Dammit, this isn't me. I want you, but I know you hate how I act. Polyamorous and bound to break a heart. I just wish that heart wasn't yours.

You don't feel the way I do...

-Laura

 

 

large purple journal, top drawer under the tv, page 6

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[29 Aug 2005|05:55pm]

Dear Tired Friend,
      I know you're sick of me hurting you. Confusing you. Leaving you bruised and battered and hidden so that no one will know the ache you feel. I'm sorry for getting so attached so that it hurts when everything's gone. I'm sorry for lying to you about what's really going on. I know I made you believe the worst things. Some things weren't even close to the truth. I made promises to you I couldn't keep. I opened doors to be closed against the wind. I broke your spirit and filled you with regret. I made you a prisoner in your own home. I was stupid, pathetic, selfish, a whore, a cheat, a bitch, a ----

                                                       let's start this again....

Dear Self,
      I am so sorry.
             Love,
                 Laura

 

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[10 Aug 2005|02:37am]
no one knows how much i want her to be alright
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Bury me in memory [08 Aug 2005|03:51pm]
I have never had a real best friend. Either I call someone my best friend but when they respond I'm just "A really good friend" or someone else calls me their best friend but it's retracted two days later when someone new rolls around. I broke the glass of a friendship today. Sitting on my desk, staring at me, mocking me. 13 years of lies and "You're my best friend....now I have to go hang out with her now". 13 years of sharing made up stories and never telling the truth. I just wanted to take that glass and make myself bleed. Flush every memory out of me because no matter what path I take, I always get hurt. I'm not friend material. I want to be like those girls in all of the teen fiction books. The ones that call each other at midnight when the other's boyfriend breaks up with them. The ones who care, who talk for hours on the phone about nothing, who fight for 2 seconds before they've made up, who get along. I want to be loved. What is so wrong with that?



Apparently a lot.
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"I'll miss you baby" [30 Jul 2005|11:21pm]

"I'll miss you too"

Its not like I thought you'd stay with me forever. Right here with me holding me like you would never let go. And it's not like you left forever. For a week or two which seems like a lifetime to me when I can't see your face. I want to sit here all day and talk with you about nothing. And then kiss you hard, like I've never kissed you before. And knowing those lips have only touched mine is an honor I take for granted. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you and everything I haven't done for you. These tears that flow in your absence while I smile because of your presence in my life really bring to light the fact that I am meant to be with you. And no matter what I've said to my friends about you and how they view you as something negative, I can't let that phase me. It's not convenient, and it's not exactly easy to deal with but you're worth it. I want to be the one in your arms forever and always...or just for now. As long as it may last, I will make use of every single minute I have with you.

They say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time it's just enough to know it's there...

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I wanted to be something that's different... [19 Jul 2005|12:49am]
Something you said you would change in me...

I'm sorry for becoming this monster. And I know why you all left me here. Because I would leave me here too if I saw me and knew of my cold heart. I want to be loved. But lust is different and I'm learning that. I'm learning, really. I want to be strong but not this. Not some awful bitch that deserves no recognition. I want to be me, not them or what I envy, love, or hate. But I don't know who I am just yet. I need time to breathe. I need to be free. I need you all back. I can't say that I'm so innocent because I'm guilty as sin when it comes to all of this. But I'm ready to make a change. For the better. For good.
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How many times have you wished you were strong? [17 Jul 2005|12:22am]

Twenty-three days down and I'm still stuck to your side. Like a bug, injecting my venom into every part of you until you swell and burst from all the pain. I hurt you. Put me in a bubble and let me sleep through the summer so I can't make you cry anymore. Leave me in my room to rot and die, I'm begging you, because I would have hated me by now. I can't do anything that causes pleasure or fun and my heart can't stop beating. My head just won't stop racing because I'm not good enough for myself. I'm not good enough for you. I want the tears to stop flowing, those tears that you didn't cause but they flow anyway and I have no way of stopping them. I want to be as strong as you. So that I don't depend on you or your nonsense to make me happy. I guess I just don't have that many friends anymore. But one is as good as sixty as long as that one is what your need. And I need you. No matter how much you want me to fall off that cliff.

Life is waiting for you...
So messed up but we'll survive

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[07 Jun 2005|11:41pm]

So screwed up. I'm stuck in this moment in which I don't know whether to turn left or right or just stay put so that I don't screw up again. I can't screw up again. And I remember the days when it was so easy yet so complicated at the same time. One cut. One little bit of friction and soon enough the mark that I longed for appeared and it cured me of my despair. But the next morning I would try to get back to where I began but it wasn't there. I couldn't find it. There was a dead end made of glass so I could see my goal but couldn't reach it. I had gone through that one way door without even noticing and now I was too far gone to ever get back. And now I don't even feel like writing. It's that bad...

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Sing like you think no one's listening... [22 May 2005|04:25pm]

It's hard to establish when it started or where it started or who it started with. All I know is that somewhere down the crooked path I call life, I became a bystander. That wallflower you ignore, or worse, speak of unkindly. Sometime in my past I was hit with some incurable, debilitating disease that makes me wonder why I bother living if I can't live the life I want. I know that I used to love to dance. To throw my hands above my head and spin around, giggling in such a silly manner that they all thought me to be crazy. I know that I used to sing, and run, and jump, and play like they all did. And I know that I want that now more than anything. I want to be her. That's one thing I always envied about her. And she pulls me around like if she tries hard enough and makes me feel stupid enough, maybe I'll just give in. But my feet are planted to the ground and no matter how much I want to move, to make a change, my mind has other plans. I've lived so plainly all my life. Just sitting around and enjoying the scenery. I never thought there was anything wrong with it. Until I'm dragged into this new world. I don't want to be there. Standing idly by while you laugh about how uptight I am. How I need to loosen up. I can't even express to you how happy that would make me. Just to be free. To loosen up with you and be like the other girls. The happy girls who are magnets to fun and the teenage lifestyle I know I'm going to miss. So, again, after a night of "fun" I cry. And I don't know why. I guess I just regret being me. Being this person I hate. And no matter how many times you say it's alright, I just can't make it alright with me. But I'll get over this. Turn fifteen and still have never danced like no one's watching. And I'll smile. But for every party there's a river of tears and seas of regrets that won't drain. They'll just overflow until it's too much for me to take. Not like there's anyone to blame but myself anyway.

You would kill for this...

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Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time... [01 May 2005|12:16am]
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you

The safest place in the world, I've found, is in your arms. Tucked under your elbow with my head against your chest, listening to your heartbeat and staring at the ceiling as if it's my own blue sky. I love it when I can feel you laugh. When the ticking clock doesn't matter and we have all the time in the world, but it's just not enough. And I love the way you're different. You protect me as if I'm special. As if I deserve to be loved. You make me feel lucky. And I know they love to taunt you. And I know some dislike you. But I stopped caring long ago. We don't have to put on an act for them. I know that you're too good for me. That I'm confused and reckless and tempted. And I know you love me anyway. I've come to believe that the warmest place in the world is in your arms. The bitter chill of the world can't get me there. I'm not alone. I'm understood. I love the way you kiss my forehead and stroke my hair. And no matter what I do I can't get enough. But I hate the way I ruin it with my street walker antics, pulling you in so forcefully, causing you to make that face that always confused me. You're old fashioned romance with new aged charm. To say the least you're perfect. And that scares me....
...Nothing can ever be as perfect as it seems...

Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
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Caught in the rush of the crowd... [21 Apr 2005|05:59pm]
Lost in a world of sound...
I guess it's safer to sit back and take it all. It's scary to think that I'm so wrapped up in this. And I'm sorry for being such a bitch if thats what you want to call me. I didn't mean for it to be like this. I just want you to be alright. But me wanting something doesnt matter if you dont want it too.
It's an understatement to say I miss you when you're gone but these days I never have the chance to miss you. You're always right where I can find you, in that stupid desk chair propped in front of the glowing screen, wishing for another life. In the occasion I see your face, you're spewing those words I just wish I couldn't hear. I hope to go deaf for those few moments that make me want to scream. I watch you when you sleep and wonder why I'm just not good enough. Why you dream of leaving me in your dust. Why you tell me that. It breaks my heart and makes me think about why I sacrificed it all for you. For these silly little double standards that make me feel as small as a grain of sand under your feet. But it's not all for you. It's for me too. My peace of mind.
And I wonder where I was before you. It's sad I cannot remember since it was less than one year ago when we finally became friends. And since then I've heard of every pain that plucked away at your heartstrings. Every little thing that sent you off. And I've been there to hold you while you cry. And I wanted to cry. Because little did you know, I took those pills again. Not because of you. For me. Little did you know, Sharpie markers once again came to my rescue. And did you know I cried the other night after you left because you made me feel like trash. Like me being alright is so much less important than you. Like my relationship is something on playground level compared to your twenty-something commitment. That much is constant. No matter how much I love the way you don't care what anyone else thinks, it's turned into disregarding the feelings of others. Like no one else matters as long as you're happy in that moment. And everytime that you laugh, it makes me so happy...but it also makes me want to cry. Just because I feel like I can't laugh without your approval. That would be unreasonable.
This isn't something meant to break you, just more to break it to you in the nicest way I could find. And I know that after reading this, you'll put on an act like you're bouncy and fine. Oh I know better. But you're awake now. Wide awake and hearing these keystrokes. I feel like I'm sneaking around behind your back with this. Just as you said I did. As you accused me of in that entry of yours. This isn't to get back at you...I'm better than that. This is to tell the truth. This is how I feel. I also feel that I love you and although I doubt the feeling is mutual, this will always be your home. I won't turn my back on you, not ever. I just don't want to cry again...
...You were ringing in my ears...

EDIT: Crying again. So what did this get me? Oh god, how stupid am I? "Just stay quiet Laura. Don't make a move or you'll lose her again" Always losing what I love. What's best for me. How selfish am I? I fucking hurt her, and I know it. "Don't do it Laura, stay calm" Is she calm, or am I just making a mess of things again? Who the hell am I to say that someone else is making me hurt? Who the hell am I? And what's my plan from here? Fuck it. This was what I expected but does it have to hurt this much? I just hope she doesnt hurt too much. Not so much. "You did what was in your heart Laura" My heart is out to get me, and I know it. And where is everyone while I'm breaking down? I guess I forgot. I lost them a while ago...but where are you?
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